The Challenge with Negative Feedback
Soliciting opinions from people about what we might be doing wrong is a simple concept, but it is rarely a simple practice. Most people face two significant problems with negative feedback: we don’t want to hear it, and we don’t want to give it.
Why We Resist Hearing Feedback
We often reject negative feedback because it is inconsistent with our self-image. It's a psychological reality that most people believe they perform in the top half of their group, a statistical impossibility. When successful people are told they are "wrong," their natural inclination is to reject the information rather than change.
Why We Hesitate to Give Feedback
Giving honest feedback to managers and leaders is difficult because they hold power over our careers, including compensation, advancement, and job security. The more successful and powerful a leader is, the more likely it is that employees will fear a "kill the messenger" response to delivering unwelcome feedback. This dynamic discourages honesty.
Shifting From Past Failures to Future Actions
Traditional face-to-face feedback has other flaws. It tends to focus on past failures, which reinforces feelings of inadequacy and can cause people to shut down. What we need instead is honest, helpful feedback that is hard to find through conventional methods.
Feedback is essential for telling us "where we are." It allows us to know what colleagues think needs to change, if we are getting better or worse, and helps measure our progress. The key is to secure it in a way that fosters improvement.
A Foolproof Method for Securing Feedback
To get useful feedback, you must reframe the process so colleagues see themselves as helpful allies in your development, not critics.
Gain Commitment from Your Colleagues
Before asking for feedback, select about a dozen colleagues and ask them to agree to four commitments. This step enlists them as partners in the process.
- Let go of the past.
- Tell the truth.
- Be supportive and helpful—not cynical or negative.
- Pick something to improve themselves, so the focus is collectively on "improving" rather than "judging."
Ask the Right Question
There are many ineffective ways to ask for feedback ("What do you think of me?"), but only one truly effective way. The question must solicit advice for the future rather than criticism of the past.
The best question is: "How can I do better?"
Variations like, "What can I do to be a better partner?" or "What can I do to be a better leader?" are also effective. This framing works because it:
- Solicits advice rather than criticism.
- Is directed toward future actions.
- Signals a genuine desire to improve.
How to Receive Feedback Gracefully
When someone gives you the gift of their advice, your response is critical. Do not share your opinion of their input, as it will likely sound like denial or rationalization. Treat every piece of advice as a valuable gift.
Simply say, "Thank you."
No one expects you to act on every suggestion. Act on the advice that makes sense to you. Your colleagues will appreciate being heard and will be more willing to help you in the future.